Day 29

Gratitude

It has been a challenge to keep up writing entries these last ten days. Since I am off my fast, these last ten days do not physically feel like culmination. Laylatul Qadr was…powerful. We dhikred with our whole beings and I prayed for what I wanted with my whole heart. Within minutes prayers were answered.

In these last few days, when the pull of re-engaging with the dunya (world) is strong I think of my Shayka’s directive to retreat as much as possible. What does retreat in the ocean of love and adoration look like?

Yesterday I was reminded of one of the most powerful illusions we allow ourselves to live in–the subtle ingratitude and forgetfulness of thinking we have “arrived”, of thinking these days of striving for Allah’s pleasure mean we deserve…anything. Like a child waiting for that piece of candy after doing a bit of homework for the night. The truth is not even a vast sea of constant acts of devotion equals deserving. Our reward for our intentions, for our striving is not a discernible prize. Our being, our creation, creation–one another, all the pieces big and small, are Allah’s gift to is each moment.

So, Eid is coming and we will celebrate but let us remember that we are celebrating a moment. The question to hold in our hearts, no the intention, is KEEP being with Allah, the permanent retreat of the heart is Allah. “Hold the world in your hand, and be with Allah in your heart,” someone said. Ya Allah help us to remember you in all moments! Increase us in gratitude and awareness Ya Shakur, Ya Khabir!

Some years ago my friend Felicia introduced me to Gratitide bowls. She filled a bowl with one hundred small stones and each evening she would transfer them to an empty bowl. For each stone she moved from one bowl to the other she gave thanks for something.

“I am grateful for my hair!”

“thank you for my legs”

“I am grateful for that delicious ice cream, yum!”

“I am grateful for my friend Sam”

And on she would go, 100 gratitudes a day. Wow. What 100 things am I grateful for today? What do I have to get present to and notice in my heart and being to be fully sincere in my gratitude, to sidestep perfunctory gratitude?

Inshallah I will share my 100 Ramadan 2012 gratitudes in my final Ramadan post on Saturday.

Love.