Day 28

Peace of My Heart

On my walk home today there was thunder rumbling, warning of more rain to come today. The interim humidity leaving me feeling super oily. In the distance there was a foggy/hazy smoke from a car fire a couple blocks away, causing traffic and loud honking cars. My lower back was throbbing from cramps and I was not only bloated but also cranky from a tedious day of moving my office and setting it up for a second time in two weeks. I even cancelled attending an iftaar at NYU with a friend… needless to say, today was not a good day.

On these days, I remind myself of:

When a thing disturbs the peace of your heart, give it up.

– Prophet SAW

But how? Oh Allah! Oh As Salaam! The source of our peace – please tell me where to look for peace inside of me? What is it that I need to give up? I am so intertwined with things in my life as if there is no alternative reality, I feel like I can’t see another option.

Al Habir! The All Aware!

Is my unrest more than just a hormonal imbalance/peaks? I haven’t fasted the last couple of days and beyond the not fasting, I have not prayed or zikr-ed… I ask myself if Allah has removed the tranquility from my heart because I have not been a good Muslim. I haven’t held Allah in the bright light that my deen asks me to and in turn, did Allah turn my inner light to dim? Al Nur, please light my path.

Al Sabur! Patient one – I ask for your patience in my struggles, in my trials. I beg of you to outlast, outstand my humanity. Oh Allah, I ask for you to instill patience within me and all who have to encounter me on the lowest of the low days.

Oh Allah, Al-Wali, I give you not just a piece of my heart, but I make every effort to relinquish all the pieces of my heart.