Day 24

From the Heart

A week before Ramadan began I was walking home from the park and a man stopped me to ask for change. I didn’t have any bills but told him I’d give him any change I had. As I reached into my bag for change he noticed the tattoos on my arm and the Arabic script had him inquire about where I was from and if I was Muslim. I was hesitant for a moment – not because I would ever say No but because I always wonder what people think about me, how they might judge my outside after revealing something about my inner self – a faith, particularly as a woman, that has so much baggage, expectations and assumptions.

It was a hot and sunny day and I was dressed for it: in a cut off tank top and shorts for maximum cool off and tanning.

Anthony and I talked about our faith and his experiences with how angry people are towards him when he asks for money. He also said something that surprised me – he told me he was struck by my modesty – that there was something very modest about me and my spirit.

Shortly afterwards we parted ways and I haven’t seen him on Eastern Parkway again although I look for him each time I walk it.

My interaction with Anthony came at a time when I needed it… A moment where I was needing someone to see something inside of me that I want to be there. What I WANT to be noticed for… To notice the work I do inwardly and what exists in my heart or my qalb.

So many people bring out different parts of me and I bet this is true for many…

The way some of my students bring out my cranky, less patient self; the way TTG makes me feel mellow and insightful; the way Steve makes me hyper and giggly… You get the idea.

Allah, by way of Anthony presenced me to something more important than how I’m perceived physically or received by others which is how Allah receives me based on the most important place within me – my soul, my ruh, my core. Ramadan is the training grounds for this – a time sit and reflect on core values with the space to read, zikr, test, and develop taqwa.

I get down on myself often for the missed opportunities to be my ‘best self’ – to be a good friend, partner, sibling, teacher or daughter. What I need to remember is that what’s most important is what’s in my heart – whether others see it or not, Allah knows its there.