Day 18

Surah 17

And you be kind to the parents

When one or both of them attain old age in your life,

Say not to them a harsh word nor scold them, but address them in terms of honor.

And out of kindness lower to them the wing of humility and say,

“My Lord! Bestow on them mercy just as they cherished me in childhood.”

Surah 17: Ayah 23-24

This Ayah and a reminder from a hadith, nobody has any control over which family they are born into, have been helpful to me this weekend.

Yesterday was pretty awkward – I stayed upstairs most of the day, dressing up in scarves, sharwal kameezes, spending time with my mom, hanging out with my siblings. I didn’t see my dad until about 6pm and it was calm and quiet straight until bedtime and suhoor and even today.

I look for answers where ever I can when it comes to my parents. Kids don’t come with instructions and raising kids as refugees/as visitors to another culture makes things double-y hard. Had they raised me in Afghanistan or even Pakistan, we would likely be in a different boat right now. I would still be queer identified but options for expressing it would be different.

My parents do the best they can. I know without reservation or hesitation that they love me… I need to express my love and appreciation to them more. I think everyone who meets me, sees our show, and in conversation with me understands entirely my appreciation, respect and love for them – but I don’t think they feel it.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve exhausted all options, but I know that I haven’t done all that I can do. I need to be around more with my family and it’s hard when I have my life, my friends, and normal things that I want to do on weekends, or places I want to go on vacation instead of spending my days off in NJ. I have to figure out a better balance… I need to be kinder to their hearts and their feelings.

It’s funny, I even looked up stuff on Mercury in Retrograde and wondered if it had something to do with what happened on Friday… the planet that governs communication and transportation issues; it rules intelligence, education and truth and when Mercury is in retrograde, it’s power is held back. Much like the month of Ramadan, the two weeks or so related to the planet are a time for reflection… while I might not have answers right now, all signs do point to reflection, reflection and reflection.

that’s all I got for today…