Day 16

Brave Face

Today has been a hard day and I don’t actually know if I have the capacity to deal with it.

I know that Allah gives us only what we can handle. And for the most part, I know I can live through the challenges – make it out on the other end, but I don’t actually know if I’ll come out a winner. I’ll just come out of it after having taken blind stabs at solutions and none of them work. In the end, the darkness turns to day but I’m still where I was before… I just outlasted the dark.

Today, I went home to my parents and was confronted by my angry and upset father. He is angry and upset over my absence at home, my queerness, my infrequent visits, the course our lives have taken… I can take a lot, I really can. I have a lot of empathy for my parents – for the endless struggle they endure, the tons of weight they carry on their shoulders and in their hearts… I love them for who they are and the person they made me to be but tonight I just couldn’t stick around.

I broke my fast on the bus ride back to NYC. I am home now but will be leaving again right after I post this to go back to my parents shortly. I will be meeting my mom at her job (she works at night) and we will travel together – she refused to go home without me and as much as I would love for her to be in Brooklyn with me, it’s best that we go home to NJ.

I have no specifically Ramadan-related reflections at the moment… I feel a little numb and a lot tired. I prayed a lot on the bus and zikr’ed on my tasbeh to calm down and I don’t know where it has left me. I guess I am waiting on God to give me an answer, give my parents peace and ask that I only be given as much as I can handle because right now I don’t know how much I can do with a brave face alone.