Day 1

Ramadan is my favorite time of year. I love the sense of community and the sense of inner joy and peace. I was on my porch when maghrib came to mark the first night of Ramadan. I felt it, like a gentle but firm breeze blowing away the clouds of distraction that have settled in me over the last few weeks. It was like waking up from a fever dream and realizing everything is actually fine. That immediate sense of inner peace and joy, and the sense of being able to clearly hear Allah’s direction, reminded me (again, I forget so often) that peace, joy and receptivity are actually the true nature of our hearts. I’ve felt entitled to feelings of anger, resentment, impatience, sadness and myopia these last couple of weeks. It’s been rough folks–my partner’s mom passed away unexpectedly, my money hasn’t been right and I felt paralyzed from a deep-seated fear about living at my full capacity for the first time in my life. Those feelings, indeed feelings in general, are powerful. Sometimes I feel as though I am in their vice grip and no amount of not wanting to feel them loosens it. You don’t simply stop feeling because you want to. What I remembered, as maghrib set in on Thursday night and in my excitement for this year’s fast, is that Allah is always present in my heart. I can always be in the peace and joy of my heart. Things fall apart sometimes, sometimes we only think they’ve fallen apart. Things are amazing sometimes or sometimes we only think they are amazing. The famous Ibn Arabi scholar, Stephen Hirtenstein, talks about the distinction between accidental and substantial motion. He says accidental motion is the way we are bandied about by our emotions (i.e., I got that job, life is grand!!! or I didn’t get that job, life sucks.) whereas substantial motion is the steady motion of our heart toward a state of constant, conscious awareness of Allah. Substantial motion knows that our hearts are not defined by emotional highs and lows, but by our measure of awareness. This is why dhikr is so important–because it supports substantial motion, the unveiling of our beings.

My intention for this year’s Ramadan is to abide in my heart as much as possible rather than in the ebb and flow of my emotions. While I don’t think we get to decide when we feel what or when we stop feeling what, I do believe we can decide not to allow those feelings to trick us into myopia and forgetfulness. We are Allah’s creation! Quran tells us that all of creation glorifies Allah, consciously or unconsciously. Ya Allah, make me of those who adore You consciously!