Day 10

Mercy in You

I have a confession: I am not fasting today. I have my reasons – social in nature, entirely and I feel guilty about it.

Guilt is my frequented place of my human and sp iritual darkness. And as I’ve been sitting with TTG’s blog from yesterday, I’ve been thinking about my own cloudiness and humanity:

In this last year I have come face to face with many dark and difficult internal moments in my roles as a partner, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an activist, a Muslim, a human…

I’m not good enough

I can’t do this

I don’t know what I’m doing

Why can’t anything be easy for me?

I don’t know where I’m going

I can’t

I don’t want to

Please don’t make me

Does my teacher/lover/sister/daughter/human/Muslim journey actually have an ending? Do I actually ever get to wherever it is that I am going? No, not really because I’m still going. With darkness there is bright light… but there are also cotton candy sunset skies and dimly lit afternoons. In between point A and point B there are many spots in between/in the process too.

And to be honest, I don’t believe in binaries… binaries minimize actual existence, ignore diversity and reality.

Binaries tell us:

boy/girl

good/bad

white/black

small/big

and we all know there is so much more in-between.

And so, if in my darkness there isn’t actually one moment, just ONE LIGHT at the end of the hackneyed tunnel… I can create light, bright smiles, small/medium/large/HUGE successes everywhere. In my anger, I can still love you.

When I don’t think I am good enough, I still have to do whatever it is I have to do.

When I can’t do it, I still do… and I get half of it right. But I did it.

When I can’t… I don’t and I do something else or do it tomorrow.

In my guilt, in my shame, in my guilt, in my darkness, in my wrongdoings, all I can do is ask Allah for forgiveness and let there be light again… and start again from there. If Ramadan is the month of forgiveness, it is far too easy to just ask for forgiveness, for mercy; I must also practice mercy, forgiveness and compassion.

His mercy is greater than His wrath.